OCD has many forms. My favoured variety was based on checking routines. 

I was compelled to check anything that could cause injury, financial loss or embarrassment. In fact any combination of those would appeal to a misplaced sense of responsibility. In short I felt I had responsibility, but did not trust myself to rise to that responsibility. 
 
I would be compelled to check doors, windows, cookers and handbrakes. I would often fear I had spoken out of turn and caused upset. I would often replay conversations or social situation in my head. 
 
Repeated checking takes time. It has the potential to ruin your day. I found ways to incorporate the need to check into my routines, so I would allow for it. 

The real issue for me was the anxiety fuelling the need to check.  It would usually follow this pattern: 

• An intrusive thought would pop into my head. It would be something like “Did you lock the front door?” or “Did you turn the gas off?” 

• I would have a physical panic reaction. I’d get short of breath, My heart would race. 

• I would attempt to push the thought away. 

• The fear would persist as I would mentally work out the worst possible outcomes. 

• The anxiety would grow as I would layer up potential consequences. 

• I would give in and check, and this would bring a huge sense of relief. 

Every time I went through this cycle I would give my OCD more power. I could see what I was doing, but was powerless to stop it. That sense of relief when I gave into the anxiety monster and checked was my brain getting a reward. We all like rewards and that was encouraging my mind repeat the cycle. The more I tried to fight it, the harder it fought back. The anxiety just got worse and started spilling over into every aspect of my life. 
 
Many of the fears I experienced made little sense when explained to anyone outside my OCD bubble. To me they were real. If I didn’t check the door, burglars would get in or the dog might get out. If I didn’t check the gas the house would burn down. 
 
After a sleepless night worrying about state sponsored hackers stealing all my files because I didn’t have a recent backup, I realised I had to find help. 
 
I’d heard about Talking Therapy. It was something that I’d seen in the background scenery of everyday life. I also new Cognitive Behavioural Therapy was an option, but did not know what it entailled. 
 
So I googled “Talking Therapy in Kent” and started the process.